9 Things to Consider Before Becoming a Surrogate
Stop. Before you do anything else I want you to take some solid time to think about your decision to become a surrogate. Becoming a surrogate was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, but it was also one of the most challenging. It isn’t something you should walk into lightly.
There are a number of things you are going to want to consider before proceeding with your surrogacy journey. Being a surrogate can peak the interest of many, but it is not a decision that you should take lightly. I would take some time to answer the questions below and if you have a spouse, spend some time answering these questions with them.
When I say take time, I don’t mean just scan over the questions quickly and move on. Really take the time to make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons and are ready to endure a beautiful, wonderful and tough journey.
1.What is your why?
The number one question I got as a surrogate was, “So what made you want to become a surrogate?” I had formulated a cookie cutter answer that was sweet enough & made sense to get people to leave me alone (sorry, I’m not exactly a people person). But truly, you need to ask yourself why you want to do this. Not just the surface answer, but in your core, your soul, your being. WHY do you want to carry a baby for someone else?
2. The money is good, but it isn’t everything.
I said it probably dozens of times when I was pregnant. You better be doing the surrogacy for more than the money. Being pregnant is hard. I had a cookie cutter, easy peasy pregnancy and it was hard. Becoming pregnant is really hard. I knew that it would be tough, but honestly I’m not sure I was mentally prepared for how hard it was going to be. You need to have a reason, bigger than yourself, to get through the embryo transfer and the pregnancy as a whole. I’m going to reiterate it, make sure your why is very solid.
3. Are you ready to endure pregnancy and the changes to your body?
I know you’re probably reading this and saying, well “duh”. Most surrogates that go through an agency are usually required to have had at least 1 previous pregnancy. As much as I thought I didn’t forget all the crappy parts about pregnancy, I definitely had. Nausea, fatigue, bloating, food aversion, stretch marks, fatigue, back pain, insomnia, general discomfort and swollen feet. Oh and did I mention fatigue? I’m not saying these are bad things, but they are things you need to think about because you are going to experience likely one, if not all and more symptoms of being pregnant.
Your body is also going to change. Depending on genetics, diet and exercise it could be minimal but it could also be drastic. You could also start your journey and then the world implodes with a global pandemic. So you’re stuck at home with unlimited access to uber eats and an extra $4,000 per month to support that habit and end up gaining 70 pounds. Hopefully an unlikely event, but I’m just saying…
I personally gained about 70 pounds and ended up having an emergency c-section. The recovery was harder than I could have ever imagined or could have prepared for. I wouldn’t give up the experience for anything though.
4. Are you on the same page with your partner?
I was fortunate enough to have an extremely supportive partner, but he still had questions and concerns. Most surrogacy agencies will require your partner to sign some initial paperwork before you can even proceed, complete blood work and also sign the legal contract.
I mentioned concerns that your partner may have. As someone who was fairly independent, it didn’t even cross my mind that my husband may be concerned with my health through the surrogacy. Or the potential risks that delivery presents. But he was and there was a time there, I wasn’t sure he would feel comfortable with me doing the surrogacy at all. For myself, I knew it was important for me that my husband felt comfortable and wasn’t willing to proceed if he wasn’t. You may feel differently, and if so, that is completely okay. It’s important for you to feel comfortable with your decision in your situation.
It’s important that your partner is included in the decision process and is supportive. To be honest, I have no idea what I would have done if I didn’t have a supportive partner. There are days within the process that are going to be rough, and you want to make sure that you have someone to stand by your side the whole way through.
If you don’t have a partner, that is okay! No one said that you must be married or have a partner to be a surrogate. I would say for me personally, I needed someone to be by my side. Whether it was a partner or a friend, I needed a support person. I would take some time to think about what you may need yourself through the taxing process of being a surrogate.
5. Are you ready to explain surrogacy to your child?
If you have a child, you of course 100% are going to need to explain surrogacy to them. Take some time to think about how that conversation might look and how your child might feel. For myself, if my child was uncomfortable with the process or if I felt like it may impact her in a negative way I wouldn’t have proceeded with the surrogacy. Before step 1, my husband and I decided to discuss surrogacy with my daughter and get the okay in that arena before proceeding.
6. Needles, needles and more needles…
Okay it’s not a question, but seriously. The amount of needles you are going to have to endure is endless. If you are even in the slightest squeamish toward needles, surrogacy may not be right for you. Personally I had about 15 weeks of shots between preparing for the embryo and getting through the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. . I’m not even a squeamish person.
Surprisingly the time leading up to the embryo transfer was fairly easy. The shots in the stomach with the tiny needle felt like a breeze after I had to start injecting Estrogen and Progesterone into my buttox.
By 6 weeks postpartum, I was worn down and obviously couldn’t turn back. I had a giant lump on my butt and was running out of space to put the shots in. At one point I stuck the needle in 3 different times (hitting a vein each time) before I finally found an okay spot to stick and inject the medicine.
Not to mention that you are now injecting yourself with hormones. Fortunately it didn’t impact my mood much, but I was exhausted. I actually barely remember my first trimester being pregnant because I was either working or sleeping.
7. Are you ready to set boundaries with your family and friends?
My mom didn’t want me to be a surrogate. I love my mom, and she loves her children more than life itself. Her intentions were good. But at that moment, I had to set a clear boundary with her. Take a moment to think about who in your life may not agree with your journey and how you may handle that interaction when the time comes.
8. Are you ready to endure possibly 2 or 3 embryo transfers before getting pregnant?
Depending on the fertility clinic that you complete your embryo transfer at, the percentage of pregnancy will differ. Keep in mind that there is never 100% chance that you’ll get pregnant on the first try or at all. Are you prepared and ready to handle potentially 2 or 3 cycles to get pregnant? Emotionally how may that impact you?
9. Thinking about the intended parents
What type of couple do you imagine matching with? Are you okay with a same sex couple? Do you want to be super close? Would you like to keep your distance emotionally? You don’t need to figure this all out now, but it is important to be upfront with your surrogacy agency about what you are hoping for. For myself personally, I thought I would be okay with having an emotionally distanced relationship. After developing an amazing relationship with the parents I matched with, I honestly can’t imagine having anything different and I think I actually would need something similar if I ever went through another surrogacy.
These are only a few examples of questions you are going to need to ask yourself before you proceed with the surrogacy. If you haven’t already started your journey, stop before you go any further and work through these questions. Take another 20 minutes to list out any other questions you have and want to make sure you answer or have answered before moving forward.
I think sometimes surrogacy is made to seem easy, but it is a huge decision and one that significantly impacts your life.
